- Get over here. - [screams]
Hey, hey, hey, no fighting... so close to the TV.
Kerry tried to cut my hair. Know how long it took to grow my bangs?
Do you know how long it took to pay for that TV?
OK! She cut my favorite jeans into shorts.
- [scoffs] - Bridget, you're up.
OK, here's the thing.
I'm working the pep squad car wash and I have no shorts to wear,
none that look good, and these are jeans I gave to her, because I'm generous.
When you explain it like that... You're buying Kerry new jeans.
- Totally unfair. - Is Bridget's hair safe from bangs?
- For now. - Good.
- Peace in the kingdom. - Daddy?
- I was so close. - Can I have an advance on my allowance?
No. I advanced three weeks allowance... I'm talking yesterday.
That went to Mom for the loan so I could give you money for last month.
Huh?! No. Still no.
You're making me buy Kerry new jeans.
- To replace the ones you cut up! - Exactly, can I have the money,
- or do have to I ask Mom? - Bridget. You know,
the first word you ever said was "no,"
and now you act as if you've never heard it.
It's a good word.
No. No. No!
- You understand what I'm saying? - No.
- Dad? - Huh?
You know how Curtis has all those cool pets?
He's got a snake, an iguana, a tarantula...
You know, Curtis should get an exterminator.
Dad, I really want something poisonous.
We've had this conversation before. No.
OK.
Hey... don't go in my room for awhile.
- Hey, Daddy! - How was shopping?
A bust. Kerry couldn't find any jeans with character.
- What's that supposed to mean? - What's that supposed to mean?
I know, bad parenting. But it was a long day.
- So what's in the bag? - Just some stuff for Bridget.
What? I said you shouldn't ask your mother for any money!
I think Mom should make her own decisions.
Your mother and I are a team, it's wrong to play one of us off against the other.
It's hard to argue with success.
Bridget, you didn't tell me your Dad said not to buy more stuff.
That was between Dad and me.
It's irresponsible of you to scam money out of your mother and me,
especially when you use it to buy junk like this.
Junk? These are necessities.
Beauty mask and facial cleansers are necessities?
I don't expect you to understand.
You're married. No one cares how you look.
- Your father looks fine. - Fine? Just fine?
- No, let's not get sidetracked here. - Are we done yet?
- Are we done talking about Bridget? - We are not done talking.
We're gonna have a family meeting, right now. Rory.
- [groaning] - Your dad only calls a family meeting
when he has something important to say. So, go.
- Cate? - Me too?
Oh, man, all right.
Rory!
And since some of you seem to think I'm your personal ATM machine,
it's time we had a talk about responsibility.
- Starting with fiscal responsibility. - He's talking about money.
- Oh! Nice of you to join us, Rory. - Sorry Dad.
Can we get back on track here?
All right, we are talking about money here.
None of you kids knows the value of a dollar.
Will you stop fidgeting!
Sorry, Dad. Who went in my room last?
God, it's not important. I'm talking.
Why am I even here? I'm totally responsible.
- Bridget's the one who's the money pit. - Not true.
- I cut my own shorts yesterday. - Hey, stop it!
Perhaps I haven't explained the concept of a family meeting.
Paul, I have a turkey in the oven.
- No you don't. - If I did, it'd be done by now.
I'm finishing up, life-mate.
Actually, Bridget, maybe the best way for you to learn responsibility
would be, possibly, to get a job.
- Uh, Paul? - What do you mean a job?
A job is where people work.
Paul...
mini family meeting.
- Would you like me to formally adjourn? - No, I'll do it.
Kids, get out of here.
Bridget, stay close. Try not to buy anything for a while.
- What? - [Rory] There you are, little buddy!
- What's that about? - I don't know.
Paul, what is this about Bridget getting a job?
I was the same age as Bridget when I got my first job.
It changed my whole point of view about life.
Oh, is this the pyramid scheme?
It was called "multi-level marketing" and we sold a fine line of vitamins.
If we want to teach responsibility, we should start with something smaller,
like a job at Christmas or summer vacation or, you know,
getting her to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
She's taking advantage of us lately. Nothing we say gets through.
A job will get her attention.
What if she falls behind in school, if she gets overwhelmed?
We'll deal with that. If she doesn't last, and I don't think she will,
she can't think everything's just gonna be handed to her.
Oh, Paul, she's just a kid.
Did I tell you how old I was when I got my job at the cannery?
- No, not the cannery. - Honey, I know I'm right about this.
She's not gonna have us as a safety net forever.
All right, we can try.
I don't know, Heather, I'd take him back.
He's cute, he's got a car, he cries. You get a guy that cries, you own him.
- Bridget, we have to talk. - All right, just a sec, Heather.
Your mother agrees with me that you should get a job.
- OK fine, I'll get a stupid job. - I'll get a stupid...
Jobs don't grow on trees, you know, especially for teenagers.
- When I first got my job at the... - Can I get a job where you work? Cool.
I'll see you tomorrow. Thank you.
Not a big deal.
Cannery jobs are harder to get.
She can't pick up the phone and call the canning people...
Bridget, wake up! You don't want to be late on your first day! Come on!
Why didn't my alarm clock wake me? Where is my alarm clock?
- [beeping] - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Well, we're off to a great start on your first day at work.
I can't believe you want to work at Strip Rags anyway.
What's wrong with Strip Rags? It's a clothing store.
- It is a clothing store, right? - It's more like a trend factory.
They brainwash kids into thinking they're original,
'cause they buy the same clothes as everybody.
Except I work there, which means I get them first.
I'll be original and Katie Stratton will be copying me.
- A noble goal. - I'll get everything at 40 percent off.
Yeah, for the handiwork of starving Third World children.
Forty percent off!
- Bridget, I'll see you in the car. - It's official. I have nothing to wear!
You know, sometimes, to save time in the mornings,
I decide what to wear and lay it out the night before.
So this is what you look like with a head start?
Hennessy in on a Saturday?
Hiding out at work, can't stand the wife.
I'm just picking up a file, Tommy. Why are you here?
I can't stand my wife. I thought I made that clear.
No, actually, I was in the neighborhood.
I just dropped my little girl off at her first day of work.
Boy, first you make the wife work, then the daughter? Gorgeous.
I don't make them work.
I couldn't look in the mirror if I made my babies work.
She's not a baby. She's a mature woman who's very ready for this.
How would you know? You're a terrible father.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Bridget, is everything OK?
No. I have to fill out this stupid form. What's my social security number?
I don't know that off the top of my head.
You're my father! OK, you know what, just give me yours.
It doesn't work that way.
You never help me! There's all these rules.
They're making me read this huge manual book, and...
And I... God, I'm freaking out here, and you don't even care!
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
God, 20 minutes and she's already in over her head.
Say, between us girls, why are you making Bridget work?
Booze, broads, gambling? I know people who can take care of the problem.
- They draw the line at women and wives. - There is no problem.
We never had this conversation. I'm going to write a phone number.
- I don't want a phone number. - What phone number?
Tommy... I just think Bridget should learn some responsibility.
Or you could stay away from the crap tables
and give her a chance at childhood.
[phone ringing]
Hello? Bridget?
Don't worry, I'm going to bring down your personal information tonight.
What?
"Dob" means date of birth.
Yes, it does. Yes, it does.
Yes, it does.
I'm starving.
Just a quick hello, then right to the food court.
I made her stick out the whole shift. You think she's OK?
I think she's spoiled and her looks are going to fade.
Look, I'm just gonna tell her it was a moral victory.
Dad, can I go to the exotic pet store?
- What do you want to get? - A book.
- Sure, OK. You need some money? - No, I'm exchanging something.
I'm not going in. Strip Rags represents everything I hate about this society.
It's a clothing store.
How can you blame tops and pants for the downfall of civilization?
Tactical error, Paul.
Where do you want me to start? The corporation? Advertisers?
What they tell teenagers about how they look?
How they should look? Body image!
And she's so little.
Come on, Kerry, let's just go in the store.
- No. - Bridget's first day.
She might be getting yelled at.
- I don't see her. - Um... Maybe she's in the back.
Awful. Gross. Disgusting.
- Cute. - What was that?
I said "puke."
Where is she? Maybe she quit.
Well, are you sure she doesn't work at Baby Strip Rags?
[Paul whispers] Oh, God.
Jeez.
Yes. Turn around.
Get them in all three colors, that plaid shirt goes with all of them.
Quick, go back and change, it's getting hot in here.
Oh, Mom, Dad, hey. Just a second.
Tyler, we need more hip-huggers, stat. That means they need it right away.
I should use that at the hospital.
- How's it going? - Great. I should've called.
They want me to close. Is that OK?
Sure. We just stopped by. I want to give you your social security number and your
- "D-O-B," date of birth, "Dob." - Thank you, love you guys. Now go.
[groans] I hate it when people don't put away clothes.
I have no idea what that's like.
- Hi, honey. - Hey.
You're all alone? Bridget get home from work yet?
Everybody's upstairs. She got home exhausted, went straight to bed.
- We didn't even have time to talk. - She's worked every night this week.
- Without a complaint. - Well, good for her.
- Good for you. - Yeah.
This turned out a lot better than you hoped.
- But you know what I didn't expect? - What?
I miss her.
- Ohh... - It's so quiet here lately,
although, I thought I heard mice running around Rory's room a couple of times.
- He says I'm imagining it. - Oh, I'm sure you are.
I'm gonna be a basket case when she goes off to college.
- You regret this lesson? - No, not at all.
I've done a really good thing for my daughter. I really have.
She's learned how to work, how to organize herself,
how to find the alarm clock.
It's worth being a little lonely if it means I'm being a good dad.
You have always been a good dad.
Did you see something go by?
- What do you think? This with this? - A shallow trendoid fashion statement.
So it's a keeper?
I can see Dad's really teaching you the value of a dollar.
Yeah, everything's 40 percent off.
That also means everything's 60 percent on.
OK, math class over.
Dad always says money can't buy happiness. He is so wrong.
You see all those clothes? Happy!
The car I'm gonna buy myself? So happy!
The cool loft I'm gonna get the second I turn 18? Out of control happy!
Do you have any customers besides yourself?
I waited on rich Brittany today, with her father.
Oh, I hate rich Brittany.
He came to me, he's all, "Miss, what would my girl look good in?"
So you put her in something hideous, right?
See, that shows me you're not ready to work yet.
I put her in capri pants.
Oh, my God! With her ankles!
- That's awesome. - I know.
I'm gonna go to bed.
- Is that a shirt from Strip Rags? - No. Shut up.
- That means you're one of us now. - Never.
Join us. Join us, Kerry. [making ominous noises]
Wha? Whoa!
- Hi, honey. - Hey, Dad, what are you doing?
Nothing. I thought I'd see how you're doing.
I could take my break, buy you a coffee.
OK. You drink coffee?
So anyways, I'm like the fastest now at using the anti-theft tag tool thing.
Back at the cannery, we had this gizmo that could...
Oh, Dad, break's over, I gotta go.
Too bad, I wanted to take you to the bank to open up a checking account.
- Boring. - Savings account.
- Boring. - Start a car fund.
- You can do that? - Yeah.
I want a convertible. I have the perfect hair for it.
- You do. - [both chuckle]
- Well, I should get back in there. - This was really nice.
Wait, Bridge, I wanna say something.
You surprised me. And I'm proud of you.
I was afraid you were gonna crash and burn in there,
but you really, really surprised me.
I surprised you?
You actually thought I would fail?
I'm good at everything. Jeez, Dad. Pay attention.
I am a winner. I win at everything.
Where have you been the last 16 years? God!
I also said I was proud!
Hey!
OK. I only wear it when I'm sleeping and when I'm drawing.
Who cares? I got paid today!
- Take a whiff. What's that? - OK. The smell of corporate America?
Or what normal people would call money.
Money, money, money, money.
I decided I would share this moment with my dear penniless sister.
Oh, my God... There has to be some sort of mistake.
- Why? What's wrong. - It's missing a whole bunch of numbers.
Let me see it.
[snickers] You made zero dollars.
How? OK, and no math lessons.
OK, here's a reading lesson.
This paper says you owe the store $400 more than you've earned.
Oh, my God, I cannot pay all this back.
They'll take me to jail. I'll be arrested. [gasps]
I'm gonna miss prom!
And you just bought the perfect dress.
Dad is gonna be so disappointed in me. Do you have any money I can borrow?
Yeah.
Here's eleventy million dollars.
You are so unbelievably mean right now.
- Suck it up and tell Dad. - I'm not telling Dad, OK. God.
He will kill me. Just... What about the credit card he gave us?
The one we're only to use for emergencies?
Excuse me, emergency!
- Bridget! - Not here.
When's she getting home from work?
She's getting a ride, she'll be home any minute.
- She is up a creek! - Whoa! Look,
I don't know why you're upset, but give her the benefit of the doubt.
She's been working real hard and she's shown a real turnaround lately.
- Oh, really? - Don't act surprised. That upsets her.
She's upset by surprises? Well, that's funny.
Cause I get all giddy when I can't buy gas on my credit card
because there is a $500 charge to Strip Rags.
That's freaky. That's where Bridget works.
- I swear to God, Paul! - Wait, I can't believe it's Bridget.
- She's being so responsible. - [laughing]
- [coughing] - Kerry, get down here!
What?
You know something? Did Bridget do something?
A good sister does not tattle on her sister.
You've been sworn to secrecy?
A good sister does not tattle on her sister.
Did Bridget use the emergency credit card to buy clothes?
A good sister does not tattle on her sister.
Hey, everyone!
- [gasps] You told! - I didn't tell them anything.
Oh, yeah? Kerry acts out your old love letters at parties.
Bridget!
Your father and I have nothing to hide.
Not those letters, Mom, the ones in the box marked "taxes."
- The ones?! - You are in big trouble.
- Rory has a snake in his room. - No, I don't. Not anymore.
I am so disappointed in you.
OK, I bought too many clothes, I ran up a huge debt to the store,
I forgot about taxes, it would've taken me forever to pay them back.
Why didn't you come to us if you got in trouble?
Because you were proud of me for, like, the first time ever,
and I didn't want to disappoint you!
Well, I took care of the spy and the zookeeper.
How's it going here with the embezzler?
I'll let her explain.
OK. I was stupid.
I got in over my head, and did something even stupider.
I take full responsibility for my stupid, stupid actions.
- You do? - I told you I was a winner, I'm not.
- I'm such a loser. - No, Bridget, you're not a loser.
- You are so not a loser. - Yes, I am.
No, you're not. I watched you work. You are a great salesgirl.
Sales associate.
Sorry, that's my mistake.
I said I was disappointed in you, but that doesn't erase
- that I said I was proud of you. - Still?
Still.
Sweetie, you showed us something.
You started a new job, you were never late,
your schoolwork did not suffer.
Although, admittedly, that would be hard to measure.
But, honey, you showed up and that was very grown-up of you.
Thank you.
And yet you still didn't learn the value of a dollar.
And that kinda was the point, wasn't it?
- I owe so much money. - To us now.
- Which you can pay back slowly. - Can I keep my emergency credit card?
Oh, Bridgie...
Hand it over.
Oh, honey, I know this is very hard for you.
It sure is. I guess this experience has been punishment enough, right?
I mean, God, I'm gonna be in that store surrounded by great clothes
that look great on me and customers are gonna come in and look horrible on them,
and they get to buy it, but, you know, I guess I could just try the stuff on
and stare in the mirror at myself, you know, and then go home and wear it.
It's just so hard with all the clothes, so, I don't know...
- Finished. - Thanks, Beach.
You sliced five more bucks off your debt.
What? Five bucks? God, you could eat off that floor.
Speaking of eating, do the kitchen floor.
[screams]
All right! You found one of them!
And it's the mom!